It looks like a new hashtag has emerged for AHA conference comedy: #AHAhaha2014. Check out this Storify page to read them all. Here are few to get you going:
resolution #1 Do not insult your scholarly rivals directly. Plant someone in the audience to do that for you!
resolution #9 refrain from the humblebrag, name drop, obligatory reference to Ivy league alma mater < (as well as gratuitous Latin)
resolutions #10 never start ? at a panel w/ "this is more a comment than a ?" "In my work I've found" or "have you considered?"