Monday, October 12, 2015

Adult Onset Calvinism

Do you have it?  

Stephen Altrogge, the past of Saving Grace Church in Indiana, PA, describes the symptoms at The Blazing Center.

Here are few of those symptoms:


  • A sudden urge to correct everything and everyone all the time about every possible thing.
  • A burning passion to convert everyone, especially your extremely godly parents WHO TAUGHT YOU THE BIBLE, to Calvinism.
  • A growing level of arrogance that is directly inverse to the number of blog posts you write about humility.
  • Constant cravings for cigars and microbrews, even though they make you incredibly sick.
  • Deep-seated cynicism toward anyone who doesn’t take a hard stance on an issue, including but not limited to: free will, Calvinism, sports, coffee, the Trinity, capitalism, child schooling, and dating.
  • The ability to bring every conversation full circle to Romans 9.
  • Inevitably arriving at the conclusion that John Calvin was not that strong of a Calvinist. At least, not as strong as you are.
  • Growing a beard, but not in a hipster way! This beard is WAY DIFFERENT from hipster beards, because it tapers to a point somewhere between the nipples, just like Calvin’s beard did.
If you or someone you know begins experiencing these symptoms, go to a pastor IMMEDIATELY. It won’t make the slightest bit of difference, because you were predestined to be a Calvinist, but still, you should probably see a pastor.
But don’t worry. After 5-6 years, these symptoms will subside and you or your loved one will return to being a mostly normal person.
HT: Scot McKnight at Jesus Creed